Drunken idiots everywhere can pass out a bit more soundly now that AT&T has unveiled a revolutionary new feature to their cell plans that has many Americans breathing an alcohol-fumed sigh of relief.

The new ‘Drink-and-Dial’ package allows for the automatic recording of all calls made after 11:30 p.m. on weekends, and re-plays the incoherent conversations for dizzy dialers in the morning. This allows subscribers ample time to prepare for awkward confrontations and figure out a sure-fire way to get out of all the things they said last night. 

“As part of its quest to conquer the world, we made a deal with Apple to only offer this service to iPhone customers,” AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson explains. “I mean, if you think about it, iPhone users are the only people who matter to each other anymore. Aside from their Blackberry-owning friends, who are drunk as well, secretly jealous and will eventually make the switch.”

An unsurprising majority of sauced-up, iPhone-wielding Americans have already signed up for the plan. The feature automatically extends your contract terms with AT&T to 49 years, secretly confiscates your firstborn and includes a zapper that stings your fingers like a lit cigarette if you drunk text anyone on your ‘Off Limits List.’

“Aaahhh! Holy hell!!” One drinker yelps after attempting to text message someone who isn’t really that into her, but who would probably still let her come over anyway. “That was close! Thanks, AT&T, for returning my dignity. Because I don’t have any willpower when I’m lonely and drunk. I turn into a complete fucking doormat!”

The feature also sounds an ‘Emergency Opt-out’ alert before a drunken call is even connected, letting users know that if they shut up now, humiliation and regret may be spared in the morning.

Timothy Quinn, a good-for-nothing upstart who attributes at least three ex-girlfriend reconciliations to late night drunken dialing, is happy about the addition: "Go-backs never work," he says. Quinn also claims that, although the make-up sex is an initial draw for him, things mostly fizzle out when he begins behaving "the only way he knows how."

But now, for the mere cost of a vodka tonic every 45 minutes, he can double-check his previous night's conversations and plot how to recant on heartfelt declarations of love before the rest of the world even wakes up.

"Never again," he moans one morning while listening to a slurred recording of himself telling his buddy’s chick he secretly wants to have sex with her. "I am NEVER drinking again—after tonight and this weekend because I already made the plans, godamnit."

AT&T has also set up a back-to-school special for college students, whereby every single night of the week can be added to the drunk-dial monitoring plan at no additional charge.

"I often wake up next to someone I sure as hell wouldn’t have called otherwise," freshman Andrea Ortiz admits. "With the new feature, I won't have to worry about gnawing off my arm while trying once again to remember where I am and whose bedroom I so brilliantly decided to spend the night in."

“Yup,” her roommate agrees. “Since I won’t be having as much after-party sex while I’m blacked out, I’ll probably save a lot of money on pregnancy tests. Those suckers cost 14 bucks a pop!”

“They have them at the 99 Cent Store, you idiot.” Ortiz replies, checking her outgoing calls.

But booty calls alone were not what initially inspired the idea behind the popular Drink-and-Dial feature, though it has been a major selling point among shiftless young people. The original concept for the feature came from AT&T CEO Randall L. Stephenson.

"The idea just hit me, like three shots of tequila on an empty stomach," he explains. "I knew immediately that a cell plan feature like this could be as important to the entire fate of the nation as, say, the refusal of airlines to discontinue lengthy 'No Smoking' announcements on planes.”

"I mean, you would think people would know by now not to light one up in mid-air, but for some unknown reason the airlines don't think it's quite clear yet. What are we, a bunch of retards?” he asks. “That’s why I only fly No Baby Air—the best airline on the face of this misbegotten planet. Anyway, we at AT&T believe that Americans cannot just stumble about, largely unchecked. Safety is our first responsibility, after all, aside from making shitloads of money off all the ludicrous fees we charge.”

Future billing options will include transcripts of drunken dialogues that hold up in court, can-opener protective iPhone cases with hidden flasks, and an alcohol-measuring device built right into phone receivers for better on-the-spot recording accuracy.