Swine Flu Linked to Pig Ex-Boyfriend

By Anna Curtis

(Santa Monica, CA)—Contrary to the absolute panic epidemiologists spread around faster than the disease itself, scientists are now claiming that pig ex-boyfriends are actually at the root of what has been ailing most people. The widespread “Swine” flu (short for ‘So What If I Never Evolved’) is now affecting all those who come into contact with their ill-requited lovers.

"The tricky thing about this virus is that, although viruses mutate, ex-boyfriends don’t ever change,” Joshua Timothy David Murphy, a biologist with four first names, said. “So these viruses can further destroy other material, like human jeans.”

“Ssswine??” An ex-boyfriend drunk off merlot said, holding out his empty glass.

According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), the virus—which is now believed to be a virulent evolution of primate, ex-boyfriend and pig—has limited peoples’ natural immunity, rendering them useless to anyone else they might have met and liked.

There is also concern among the general populace as to whether or not the virus will have a boomerang effect: “What we need to do is start worrying about the effect this flu is going to have on actual pigs,” one meat-eater complained. “I mean, what about those of us low-carbers?? We practically need sausage and bacon IV-drips, by god, and these damned ex-boyfriends are posing a monumental threat to our food chain.”

“Double-double, animal protein style!” Screamed one girl, who lost weight and successfully gained it back.

"It really is all of humanity under threat during a pandemic like this," World Health Organization Director General Adam Kaplan said. “But as you know, the lives of Americans are the only true concern in the world. Especially blond-haired, blue-eyed ones, since everybody knows those are the only kidnapped children who make the news on TV.”

“That’s why we’ll never send our 14-year-old girls to Aruba unattended,” a toe-headed housewife concludes. “Unless they piss us off.”

“We don’t even have children,” her husband states flatly, smashing a piggy bank.

Although not one single case of the flu has remotely been detected within the US educational system, that didn’t keep administrators from blatantly shutting schools down anyhow.

“We were like, why not? We could all use a break from these little nimrods,” school administrator Curran Christensen declared. “Ahem—what I meant to say was that, we care very much for the children and just don’t want them to contract a deadly disease that they only have a statistical chance of -0.0000002% of getting. It’s too great a risk.”

“Eramos felices de salir de alli,” one California student exclaimed, after realizing he would be missing out on an actual education due to the district office’s brilliant move. “A proposito, podemos hablar realmente Ingles.”

Unlike the horrific Evian flu, which originated from the accidental bottling of uncircumcised shrimp in the company’s expensive tap water bottles, doctors have no evidence suggesting a direct animal-to-human infection from this strain, which is why they haven't recommended killing pigs. Just ex-boyfriends.

“This is complete bullshit,” one ex-boyfriend stated, texting someone he shouldn’t be.

On the economic front, sales have plunged for pork producers around the world. Somebody reported that Egypt began slaughtering its roughly 300,000 pigs on Wednesday—although no one even knew Egyptians ate pigs, and most admitted to never even thinking about Egypt at all.

“Mmmppnhh mmmpphhst kuch!” An ex-boyfriend said from behind his medical mask.

“What?” Said this little piggy, who ran wee-wee-wee, all the way home.

With pig ex-boyfriends running rampant, the CDC recommends you stay indoors, drink alcohol and play Garage Band as often as possible. “Whatever you do—do not, and we repeat, DO NOT take a drunk call from your ex-boyfriend late at night,” Victor Huynh, a man with an unpronounceable last name, warns. “It could prove mortally serious. Worse even than a possible romantic reunion, which in itself is worse than death.”