FAA Denounces the Outright Banning of Babies on Smart New Airline 'No Baby Air'

 By: Anna Curtis

(Los Angeles, Calif.)—The FAA announced denouncements today over the completely awesome banning of babies on all intercontinental flights on No Baby Air, the hot new airline created by Anna Curtis. For those of you who’ve been asleep for the past five years, Curtis is the ultra-zillionaire actress who got fed up with the same three crying babies on every single flight she ever took.

“I began to suspect they were the same three babies when I got to know the different pitches of their wailings during excruciating five-hour-long flights to New York for my TV show,” Curtis says, looking around. “I mean, true, I have all the money in the world, so I could totally fly my own private jet around. But I like the attention I get from the general public and refuse to give up my right to their adoration.”

The FAA is considering sanctions against the renegade aviator, who devised the perfect mode of travel ever for people who can’t remember what it was like to fly in peace. “The skies just aren’t big enough for that sort of innovative thinking—it simply cannot be allowed,” FAA Chief Randy Babbit said, reading slowly from a piece of paper. “Everybody knows you’re supposed to feel like you’re incarcerated when you travel. Or that you at least could be jailed, at any moment, damn it.”

According to No Baby Air, if a child is so much as found in the pet kennel on board a flight, they’ll be ejected immediately. Not only are no children allowed but Curtis got with NASA to create the most incredible aircraft ever to hit the skyline: the Airbus 380. With all-leather interiors, down-filled seats that recline 490 degrees, and no snot-nosed distinction between first-class or coach, No Baby Air promises to be smartest way to fly in the history of man.

“As you can see, the sleekness of these aircraft is beyond the scope of human recognition,” pilot Scott Bychowski says, heading for a drink. “At No Baby Air, we won’t let you take a baby on the plane, but we’ll let you make a baby on the plane. Now get outta my way.” Free alcohol is offered to everyone, not just the pilots. Curtis even removed all the sky hag flight attendants and replaced them with a couple of her 18-year-old sisters who needed the work after they quit their jobs at Hooters.

In complete denial of the fact that their babies are screaming holy bloody murder on board each and every plane ride they decide to take, mothers who have repeatedly subjected innocent travelers to their horrible demon-like children have spoken out against No Baby Air. “So what if I blindly refuse to actually get up out of my seat long enough to quiet my kid down, hoping they’ll eventually shut up if I muffle their mouths with a useless pacifier?” One mother protested. “I have the right to fly on No Baby Air!”

“I’m pregnant right now!” Another mother threatened from the check-in line.

“Aaaaaaahhhhhhh,” one baby said, becoming defiant.

"WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEE... Gurglegurglegurglehiccup," another erupted from the back row, next to an uncomfortable Indian woman.

“You see? That’s just the problem,” Curtis says, sending a threatening glance to a bored toddler thumbing his Cheerios spitefully, “You just can’t control these individuals once in the air. It’s a new form of terrorism.”

In fact, the color code “baby blue” has been added to the threat levels at all international airports, an addition Curtis lobbied the Supreme Court for. She’s now been accused of anti-baby Semitism and has denied that accusation; on the grounds she was once an ill-mannered infant herself. “She totally was,” her mother revealed to news stations. “She was my worst one.”

Among the safety measures No Baby Air has taken in order to keep strictly to it’s no-kid mandate, ultra-violent X-rays will be taken of each woman suspected of smuggling a baby in her uterus, the effects of which could prove detrimental to any child hidden inside the womb. “No one who could remotely give birth while in flight will be allowed on board,” Curtis declared, deadly serious. “No one.”

Though Curtis refers to them as “dear friends,” it’s obvious the Jolie-Pitts will never be allowed to fly on her airline. “They’ve gone off the deep end, man,” Curtis says.

However, fellow actor Samuel L. Jackson backed the feature film starlet in her anti-infant endeavor, although its been pissing a lot of people off. He openly attacked the offending infants on a morning talk show, “I’m tired of these mother fucking babies on these mother fucking planes!”