Supreme Court Bans Marriage Entirely;
Voters Sick of Having
the Same Sex
By Anna Curtis
(Washington, DC)--In what is being hailed by unhappy husbands as “one of the best ideas since cold beer,” the U.S. Supreme Court completely banned marriage earlier today, instantly setting millions of people free from the old ball-and-chain of holy matrimony. This comes after decades of people actually being married, and doing nothing but complaining about it.
“I just popped the question: Who the hell even cares if you get married or not in the first place?” Chief Justice John Roberts said of the ruling. “And the answer was ‘I don’t,’ not ‘I do.’”
In a polling, married voters cited an “acute” disinterest in having sex with the same person “for the rest of their miserable lives on this planet” as the impetus behind their anti-marriage positions. “Bor-ing,” one wife voted, already thinking about somebody else.
“If bigamy is having one wife too many, monogamy is the same,” a Mormon voter said, stealing the quote from Oscar Wilde just because it fit here.
For that .0001% of the population who got lucky enough to find someone they actually did want to spend the rest of their lives with, the illegalization of marriage seems like one more thing to be happy about. But what will this new ban mean for people who got married to the wrong person and regretted it ever since?
“Essentially, they’re now free to do whatever they damned well please,” Roberts said. “Which is why we live in America. You know, where there’s an alleged separation of church and state, and everybody is supposed to be treated equally.”
“So let me get this straight--if I‘m not married anymore, then I‘m technically not really having an affair with my co-worker?” A traveling salesman queried. “Well, that kind of takes the excitement out of it.”
Most newly single people didn’t even know what to do with themselves after the new law went into effect. One ex-husband celebrated by lining up 49 beers and drinking them as fast as he wanted. “I can’t tell him what to do anymore,” his ex-wife said, shrugging.
Since there are no more marriages, divorce lawyers are out of the question. “You people can just work it out amongst yourselves, since you’re the ones who had to be together so bad in the first place,” Justice Clarence Thomas said.
“Yeah, but aren’t we still married though, if we spent $50,000 on champagne and monogrammed party favors back when throwing a wedding was still legal?” One ex-wife wanted to know.
“No,” her ex-husband replied, throwing his golf clubs in the car. “We’re definitely not.”
“I‘m outta here,” another ex-wife said, who mistakenly married her high school sweetheart and never got properly laid. "And I'm gonna be such a slut."
Not everybody will choose to leave their current situation. “I love my ex-wife,” one southerner said about his sister.
